Max Frisch
One of the gifts of a mid-life change is the opportunity to watch a life unfold, your's and if your lucky, maybe the life of another, the one you love. We come to it with our children, that little bit of distance necessary to see the broad picture of where they've been, where they are and hints of where they might be headed. In my primary relationship though, I had long lost the ability to see much and, to be honest, to want to see much. He had so set himself on a path, was so set in who he was, there was no unfolding. He kept himself tightly closed, shut down; there was no becoming allowed. And I came for a time, a long time actually, to believe that there was no becoming for me as well, just small, meaningless accomplishments, mere busywork, really, as I made my to the end of my days.
My mother has asked me on more than one occasion why my life change had to be so big, why I couldn't keep everything of my old life but that one that no longer fit -- my marriage. There was a time I would have told her it was the man I came to love, and that was part of it, but it wasn't all. It's never about that person although it's easier to think it is. They become a convenient vehicle, the outward form, but not the soul of the change. I felt around the edges of why, kind of knew, but it wasn't until a few month ago that I realized I had to make this big of a leap, I had to move across the country, I had to change everything so completely there was no going back. For me, a small change would never be enough. I settle into grooves. I follow trails already made and so small changes would have ultimately been more of the same. I guess my own 'blue screen of death' had come up and I knew I needed a complete reboot if I was going to actually live my life.
I don't know if I ever explained it enough for my mother to understand. I'm not sure she has to understand although I'm not sure I'll tell her that. I've found the kind of changes I've made make some people uncomfortable, especially my mother. It doesn't fit the societal narrative of success I grew up with, my mother's narrative, and if you can turn your world and other's worlds upside-down, if everything people knew about you or thought they knew wasn't true at all, then what can be counted on? The world is shown as the astonishing and unpredictable thing it is. But more importantly, there are no more excuses for compromise and making due. You can change, even late in life and you can watch yourself unfold (and what air sign doesn't want that little bit of distance and the wisdom it brings). You can write yourself and re-write yourself. It is astonishing really how that one chapter changes all that came before and opens up worlds in all the chapters that will follow.
I'm growing used to unfolding. It was an odd feeling at first, not particularly comfortable, but not completely unpleasant either. It's a catch in the throat kind-of-sensation, a yearning in the gut, the pull toward something more even while you have no idea what that more is. It's like that first touch of love, that is it or isn't it point when you're still on the edge, just at the beginning of falling but still have balance enough or think you do, to stay right there, not fall at all. It's not for everyone, unfolding. Which doesn't mean we get out of it as much as it means we have a choice whether to be aware or not, to be conscious or not. It reminds of that Anais Nin quote: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” We can fight the unfolding; we can deny it. We can live whatever prescribed life we think we should be living, and if we need to unfold, that life will unravel one way or another. We don't always have to be aware of the unfolding, but unfold we must. We were born to bloom and question is whether we manage just a few petals, staying mostly bud, or bloom thoroughly and completely, giving ourselves up, living gloriously and ending just as gloriously. I want to be that bloom, that rose, that lives it's life so completely and ends it so completely too. I think Bryan wants the same and I think that too is part of the gift of this. It is hard to stay a bud in the company of flowers.
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